A long time ago, I wrote a little snippet about vices. I don’t
remember what I was referring to, but reading it now, I can see that some
things about myself haven’t changed, except maybe I have a few more vices.
What
I wanted to address was my ending point of a ‘helping hand’. I’m the kind of
person who likes to be independent. It’s probably a stupid notion, but I don’t
like asking people to help me if I can help it.
Relying
on people, in short, is very difficult for me.
So
why bring up the point of letting others help me? Sometimes, my walls inch down
a little bit and I let someone in, let someone help me. But the moment I feel
vulnerable or hurt, I rebuild them in an instant.
I
don’t think I’ve ever truly let anyone in, not anyone in my friend groups and
certainly not anyone in my family. Trusting someone takes months, years, and
even then, I find it hard to do that.
I’m
starting a new life right now, over a month into it actually, and I’ve made an
effort to let people get to know me. Is it working? Somewhat. But at the same
time… I still do what I’ve always done. If there’s a chance that I might be
hurt, I shield myself so that it’s like I’m made out of stone.
I
can hide it, definitely. I can act happy on the outside. But then in the end,
what’s the point if nobody ever knows how I really feel?
I
just wish this bothered me enough so that I could have the motivation to change
it.
