You know when you know something about yourself that you want nothing but to change, but it has to take an incident to instigate that change? Do you know what I mean when I say that?
Let’s say you do. Now, I have an obsession—an obsession of the truth.
To most people, this would seem like a good obsession; no, a great obsession.
But to me, this obsession has gone beyond control, and it’s time I pull back a little bit.
I’m judgmental, I’ll admit it, whether I actually tell people my judgments… Well, that’s a different story. The point is, I live life thinking everybody has a certain opinion about me, and I hate it because I feel like I have to live up to the person I’ve always been.
I never let myself be who I want to be, and people seem to come to the conclusion that I’m this person and nothing will ever change. That in itself is a judgment of me, and I hate that it makes it harder for me to, well, be who I want to be.
But at the same time, I’ve come to realize, I’m making a certain judgment myself. I’m judging that what everyone wants to see is what they’ve always seen, and I’m not taking into account what they actually want.
I don’t know if you see how this connects to an obsession of truth. Let me break it down a little more. Often, I make rash judgments of people based on what I know (the same way I think everyone judges me), and sometimes, the facts don’t add up. Sometimes, it’s simply that the facts don’t add up the way I want them to because people tend to say one thing but mean another.
And the little lies, the little omissions of truth, the little two-faced characters… These plague our world today, and I always want to know what’s really wrong with someone, the real reason they’ve been acting the way they have, what leads to a certain incident.
Without people telling the truth, I’m forced to guess because of this crazy obsession to know. And I want to stop these judgments, because it makes me act cold, or snobby, to certain people. It conveys me as an ice princess.
But it’s a wicked cycle of my over-thinking leading to my thinking that everyone judges me, leading to me judging everyone else, leading to a vague sort of truth I can come up with using what I know, making me obsessed. I don’t know if that makes sense.
However, I do know I want to stop obsessing over knowing everything. No matter how agitated I get by not knowing what a certain person is doing, I need to let life go on and let time take me where I’m supposed to go.
The world is a slow, slow place, and sometimes I want to skip to the end of the book without messing with all the complexities of life.
I need to learn to stop shutting people out.
I want to stop obsessing and… be a better person.
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