On the Way

When I meet new people and learn about their past, I judge like my life depends on it. I judge like their life depends on it. And no matter how many times I tell myself to stop, how many times I tell myself that these people are speaking of their past--no matter, I'm still going to judge them for it.

I'm a horrible, judgmental, emotional human being.

When people call me the 'nicest person ever', I feel a kind of pride, but then again, it's a lie. I mean, not in the way telling my teacher that I did my homework when I didn't is a lie, but in the way of putting on a smile where a grimace might be more appropriate.

And then sometimes I just can't think with an open mind because I have this everlasting thought that people, deep down, will never change, and letting someone in will just be a cause for more disappointment, so when I hear about someone's past and I don't like it, I can't help feeling...cheated.

But then I think back to the New Year's Resolution I made way at the beginning of my golden year (this year: 2012), and I remember my desire to become a better person. Is it a bad person who just wants to spare herself of pain? Maybe I'm selfish. No, not maybe.

Definitely I'm selfish.

Yet I give chances to people. I don't think I'll ever believe in the kind of change movies sometimes show through a long and grueling process, not in such a short time span anyway. I do believe that sometimes people will start out behaving a certain way because of learned behaviors from others, but nature always has a way of putting a person back where they're supposed to be.

So when I judge people according to their past, I'm scared that trusting them--if the past upsets me--might be naive of me, and I'll just end up getting hurt. But I have to give people chances, especially when the person is willing to make an effort to, at the very least, be a kind person.

Whether the person is lying or not... that is probably something I won't be able to figure out.

But I don't ever want to judge who someone is today according to what they've done in the past, because everything and everyone shapes a person everyday, and who that person really and truly is might be searching for a way to come out.

I know I need to get on that road on the way to becoming a better person, and what better day to start than today?